As referenced in my previous post, I was feeling insignificant, crushed and unworthy of love. I am finally getting to a place where I understand the problem was not mine. But the thing that got me through the suicidal nights, the days where I couldn’t eat and the move back home is now causing me as much damage as the emotional affair did.
The only way I knew to get through the feelings, the emotional swings, the lies, all of it was anger. It fed me and I fed it. At first it was good. I would get mad and remember that I deserved respect and more out of life altogether than the meager scraps my ex was offering. I was determined I would not be the ex he kept on the line for times of self-doubt. I would be strong and amazing and make him regret everything he had done. I used the anger to stop myself from self-injuring, to train for my first half marathon, to get myself in the best physical condition I’ve ever been in. But once all that was done, all I had left was the anger.
The anger is still here. I fear it has become a part of my personality now. Most of my coworkers find me to be easy-going and flexible. They don’t know about the nights I lose sleep thinking about how easily my ex moved on, that his current girlfriend is now living in the house we picked out together. That the life I sacrificed so much to create is over now.
I have a wonderful boyfriend I have been with for over 6 months. He is all the things my ex never was, in a good way. He works hard and wants to marry me. I do not know how to let go of the anger over my past so I can enjoy my future with him. I feel I am cheating my boyfriend of the wonderful partner I can be.
A very dear friend told me I needed to stop torturing myself with the “dark memories. That life is over now.” It’s very easy to say but not so easy to put into practice.