To say I have been all over the map emotionally this week is an understatement. Yesterday I was feeling horribly down, today I feel stronger.
For far too long, I allowed myself to live in a way that made me miserable. I did whatever would make people happy, for fear they would be angry/not love me. Not sure exactly why, but it’s dawning on me that I need to make myself happy. It is my job and no one else’s. That being said, it is not my job to make other people happy. I have been controlled (or allowed myself to be controlled) by so many people who claimed they loved me, or didn’t want to see me hurt or feel they know what is best.
Suddenly, I don’t care what people think. Does their opinion change who I really am? Absolutely not. I remind myself that people base their opinions and judgments on partial information, but my heart knows the truth and the true me.
Some people have labelled me as crazy or dumb, prattling on about my supposed shortcomings as a houskeeper/cook/girlfriend/driver/human being. So what? We’re all flawed. I know the history of how I got here.
Every day that I wake up is a chance to be a better person. I might not succeed in that daily, but I sure as hell try.
Happy anecdote to end this post: I was assisting an elderly woman in the emergency room I work in. She was funny, sharp as a tack, but stressed out from the wait. I helped her as much as I could and I remember feeling like I wasn’t able to really do much for her. I passed by her on my way out and she grabbed my hand. She told me that she was so happy I had been the one there with her tonight. I honestly didn’t know what to say except “thank you”. That little old lady reminded me that I am exactly who I should be, doing exactly what I should be.