I Will Hold On

I am forgoing Spa Sunday this week to blog/dither/prattle on about something that has been on my mind all day.
One year ago today, I moved back home. Left behind the friends I had made, a job I loved and the smoldering remains of my relationship with my ex.
Over the past few weeks, I am gaining more faith in myself, and moving towards self acceptance. Meditation has become an important tool in my life, especially as my therapist and I rehash the birth, life and death of my relationship with my ex.
I ran today, something I needed to do physically for my half marathon training, and mentally to release stress. I listen to music, especially when I am on the treadmill, as I was today. I do enjoy Mumford and Sons, so not too surprising that their first album was a “go-to” for my run. I forgot how beautiful their lyrics are, and how well their simple acoustic sound puts the focus on said lyrics. I was doing ok during my run, trying to not think of the pain from one year ago. “Thistle and Weeds” came on. It’s slow-building but hit me like a sledgehammer today. I was running and was overcome with goosebumps and the urge to cry when I heard “I will hold on, I will hold on hope”.
The chorus continues into a near battle cry. So much passion in a few simple words. I gained my composure and ran harder. I could hear my ex in my head, telling me all the things I shouldn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t do and I ran faster. It felt like the more I ran, the more I felt the pain slipping away. I began to remember the countless ways I have proven my ex wrong. I remembered my mom holding a sign on the sidelines of a 10k I ran. I remembered my running partner always encouraging me. I remembered my current boyfriend standing as close to the finish line as he could get at my first half marathon-I was hurting and about out of gas when I saw him. He yelled out “I love you and I am so proud of you!”
Those are the memories I want to keep. I am so glad to have experienced all of that since I moved back home. I am forever changed, but I am outrunning the ghosts and I will hold on.




2 thoughts on “I Will Hold On

  1. So happy to read this, Lisa. Getting those little breakthroughs is such a gift, and I know how much music and sound can spur them on. You will outrun them.

    You’ll outrun them all.

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