Intimacy means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. The context of intimacy I am referring to is those little moments, when you reveal vulnerabilities, secrets and your darkest thoughts to those you love.
Being in therapy means I’m dredging up a lot of memories, good and bad. I could not get past certain harmful thoughts and memories, so I sought help. So far, I’m very glad I did. It hurts to talk about some things, but we also talk about the good memories I have. I realize, sadly, that I have to let those go, too.
The memories strike me at weird times. Like in the morning, when it’s not yet time to get up and I’m lying there in the half light. That’s when I remember nice things about my ex. The way he’d put his hand on the small of my back when I rolled onto my stomach to sleep. How he’d clean my car off on snowy days when he left before me. Making me pancakes. Holding me without saying anything when I had a tough day at the hospital. It’s in the harsh light of day when the “bad” memories roll around. The constant criticism on everything from the way I acted to how I loaded the dishwasher. The lies. The controlling of my social life, money, family relationships. I find the light/dark correlation to be strangely appropriate. If you weren’t looking closely, we seemed perfect. When you really brought things out in the light, you saw how damaged we were.
But I have new memories, happy memories. Common everyday things that happen between my current boyfriend and I that make me realize just how much we are meant to be in each other’s lives. We have great communication, both verbal and non-verbal. I do not fear the intimacy with him, as I know he won’t use those vulnerabilities against me. It seems with each time we are together, there’s a little “click” and he settles further into my soul. There is no forcing anyone to do anything, it’s very natural.
So I am (slowly) releasing those intimate memories of me and my ex, as they do me no good any longer. They are memories, no longer real moments that continue to happen. He used my intimacy against me, but he did not break me. I recall the moments when he revealed his true self to me, and I use them to let go. It’s tonic for my soul.