I’ve got a song in my head and I’m embarrassed it’s by Fallout Boy. “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark” is the song, and the line that is resonating with me is :”a constellation of tears on your lashes/burn everything you love then burn the ashes”.
Backstory on why this line in particular is so meaningful to me. When my ex and I broke up, we tried to stay friends. I’d known him since I was 14 years old and we had (and still have) a billion mutual friends. It was hard not having him in my life in some capacity, and the fact that I made him the center of my universe didn’t help matters any. He moved on quickly after our breakup, however we kept texting and calling each other, me providing updates on how well I was/wasn’t rebuilding my life. Things went downhill rather spectacularly. I don’t believe exes can ever be friends. There was a lot of lying by omission and I finally realized I needed to let him go, as painful as it was. I was a bitch. Oh lord, I was awful. I have a lot of regret about that, but regret doesn’t change things. I got it in my head that the only way to let him go was for him to hate me. So, much like the song lyric, I set it all on fire. Only I got burned and am struggling to grow new skin.
It is better that we don’t speak. It helps me keep focused on making my own life without him. But I don’t like that he (and his girlfriend) hate me. I can’t do anything about that now. All I can do is heal and try to be a better person, to let go of the anger. They say burns hurt worst when they are almost healed. I hope that’s the case with me. Some wounds go deep…I know mine do. I worry sometimes they will never heal. I worry I will carry this hurt and lack of trust around with me like the scars on my side. I hope that, like the phoenix, I will rise from the smoldering ashes of my former life. That I will emerge, renewed and strong and amazing.