Back and Forth

I’ve been lax in posting, to say the least. Life is a bit tumultuous again. Changes at work and in relationships really taking a toll. But as always, my friends come through for me. I had a nice conversation with my best friend, who is more of a sister to me. It’s funny how you know certain things to be true, but until someone who sees things from the outside mentions it, you don’t really apply that knowledge to your heart, life or mind. She reminded me I need to live my life for me, rather than constantly living my life to make other people happy.

In some respects, doing things for myself makes me feel terribly guilty. But then I think about how much better I feel physically since I started taking better care of myself and I see how that health affects my relationships. So the idea of being the best version of myself to be a better girlfriend, co-worker, friend, sister, daughter is not so far off. But to think of doing things just to make myself feel better emotionally… I still have trouble with that.

I’ve taken a step back in some of my relationships in my life right now. I need to refocus, empower myself and just find that spark within myself again.  To say I am shutting down wouldn’t be too far from correct. But it’s renewal I seek, not exile.  I’m frustrated as I felt like I was really making progress emotionally, and then the stress piles up and I’m a mess again. And then God/Allah/whatever omnipotent force rules us all sends me a little message, knocking me back into awareness of my interdependence on the world. I seek independence, but until I acknowledge my interdependence, I will repeat this same back and forth.

I recently befriended a co-worker and it’s come to my attention that he has some self esteem issues. Who among us doesn’t? But when I was expressing my concern about his regular self-deprecatory remarks to another friend, she told me to stop and take a look at the whole situation. When I really did, I realized that he was sent into my life for a few reasons: to be my friend, to help me find parts of myself I thought I had lost and to teach me an additional lesson: we are so quick to diminish ourselves  and our accomplishments that we overlook the great things we have.  In helping him to see the great qualities he has, I realized I do the same thing- I diminish, discount and mistreat myself.

It’s time for me to put that same attention on myself, on my good qualities. To forgive myself for my perceived failures and applaud my successes and acknowledge all the in-between.  I’ve always felt that my life was a continuous path, that I simply need to learn to accept the road I am on, as it’s ever-changing.  I am on a rocky uphill right now, but it will be sunny and easy soon.




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