I’ve had a pretty nasty, persistent migraine the last few days. As a result, I spent more time than I would have liked laying in bed. When you’re laying there, unable to sleep, you start thinking. The last few months have been rough on my self esteem and I’m having trouble with defining some relationships, achieving self love and balancing all this out.
These were my most prevalent thoughts:
Why is it so easy for me to love and take care of other people, but not myself?
I think most women feel this way from time to time. The epidemic of trying to be Supermom and juggle a job, your children and some semblance of a life. I had a conversation with a very dear friend about the idea of all the expectations society places on us that we’ll never live up to. It’s a billion times easier for me to look at a coworker and say “they need help with ____” rather than face that same truth with myself. I have a very hard time asking for help, an even worse time accepting help. No doubt the increase in frequency and severity of my migraines is linked to this.
Why do some people look to me for help, when it’s obvious I can barely help myself?
This question goes along with an ill-defined relationship in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, and I have a male friend there is a definite connection with. I have no clue where this is going, but I get a sense of ….searching on the friend’s part. As though he is trying to find who he really is. He puts on airs of being confident, cocky, etc but it seems as though he lets his guard down with me. A mutual friend of ours stated he thinks I am the Lois Lane this guy needs. But I can’t do that when I can barely help myself. I think this guy and I share an unspoken understanding of those dark things that rest in our souls. The things you don’t like to talk about in front of “the guys”- the fear, the uncertainty if you made the right choice, the insecurity regarding your skills, all of that. He is the first person in a very long time I can “read” by simply exchanging looks. What do I do with this? Do I have to do anything at all?
How in the world do I find balance and peace amidst all of this chaos?
My life is never really easy emotionally. I recognize this and do what I can. I talk to therapists, dear friends, take time to eat right and exercise. I think I will find the answers once I change the questions. That involves finding that elusive self-love and self-acceptance I mentioned earlier. It involves looking at the nasty parts of me and coming to terms with them. It involves me finding the bright parts of me-the shiny, glittery joyous parts I am so quick to extinguish. It involves me forgiving others and myself. The first step to all of this is letting go of my fears and allowing love in.
I thank you all, again, for being my friends and sounding board. I appreciate the help and support I have received from my friends in the blogosphere. As always, please leave a comment if you find yourself nodding your head to any of this, or just to say hi. I welcome a sense of acceptance, belonging, non-judgement and community…feel free to chime in!