Loneliness

There’s no way to explain how lonely life can be when you have bipolar. Some days I love being around people and want to accomplish so many things. Then there are the times when you isolate, tuck away into your cocoon and shut off. Obviously this makes it pretty impossible to have healthy relationships or friendships. People just don’t understand how your mood can change so quickly.

I’ve had friends offer to get together with me for dinner, concerts and I make up an excuse as to why I can’t go. This makes me two things: 1) a liar and 2) a crappy friend. This particular depressive portion has been pretty bad. I’m still in the beginning part of my medication therapy, so my moods are still all over the place. I also haven’t figured out my triggers or when exactly I’m having a manic episode. I just know I suddenly want to do/eat/make everything and only need an hour of sleep. Then, just as suddenly, I want to sleep for days, I don’t wear makeup or do much with my appearance and often don’t speak. 

I’m taking a bold step tomorrow and attending a ladies group at the church I belong to. I will not allow myself to make up an excuse as to why I can’t go. Is it going to be perfect? probably not. I’ll most likely fumble for words, feel like I’m not “holy enough” to be in a church community and think of the 5000 ways I feel like I don’t measure up. But I’ll still go, I’ll still make the attempt and see how it goes. 

The depression and anxiety can be paralyzing. Second guessing myself and beating myself up gets exhausting. This disorder is all-encompassing and trying to rise above it is a full time job. But I have to keep trying. My renewed faith in God is certainly helping, knowing there is someone who always has my back, no matter how aggravating I am, is encouraging. 

I know there will be light again, I just have to make it through a particularly long dark night. But I will get there.

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5 thoughts on “Loneliness

  1. The first thing you have to do is let go of the guilt. You have a legitimate illness, if a person has cancer and can’t make it to a concert, they don’t beat themselves up for it, not saying bipolar is the same as cancer but they are both legitimate conditions that affect how a person can live their life.
    I used to dread making plans in advance because most of the time i would cancel them last minute, i had every intention of doing said activity when i made the plans but then i would get anxious leading up to the event and usually bail. I’d then feel like a shitty friend and beat myself up for not being good enough. Fact is, it wasn’t my fault and it’s not your fault. Bipolar does definitely have triggers, and figuring these out can help curb the worst of it but it’s still a life altering condition.
    I’m finally on a good cocktail of meds that have had me relatively stable for a while aside from one major depressive episode that only lasted a couple of weeks. My down periods are usually much longer so i’m grateful for the length of it. All the best with working things out and try not to feel guilty for your condition, it’s not your fault.

    • Wow thank you! I’ve always been hard on myself and it’s certainly something I work on in therapy. I get a little tied up with notion of “feeling sorry for myself” versus actually giving myself a break. Glad to know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling.

      • I think letting go of the guilt is the first step to healing past scars and letting ourselves live as ‘normal’ a life as possible. I spent many years feeling sorry for myself and feeling guilty for every wrong I’d ever done, so so guilty. Fact is, when you’re younger bipolar can make you do some crazy stuff and then later on it can stop you in your tracks when trying to function, so let go of the guilt and trust me, you’ll feel so so much better and be able to cope with so much more 🙂

  2. Well done. You have a great way of expressing yourself. Thank you for sharing. When I was sick I did not tell anyone. Bringing it to the light began my healing. May The Lord bless you and keep you and make his face to shine on you and grant you his peace. Angela

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