Pernicious Thoughts

One of the symptoms of bipolar I have the most trouble with is obsessive thoughts/thinking. From mundane, monotonous counting of my steps to full blown panic-attack-inducing misconstrues my mind is never, ever at rest. Sometimes these thoughts inspire a post or cause me to reach out to someone I might have lost touch with or start working on a project I’ve been slacking on. I find the ones that inspire a post (or one of the 5 drafts saved but not finished) often dissipate once I get them in writing. I’m hoping that’s the case with the thoughts that have been dogging me for some time.

I was madly, madly in love with my former fiance. I don’t know that I will ever get over him. As I move towards a more consistent life after my bipolar diagnosis, I’m plagued by thoughts of “what if” and “what could have been”. What if I’d been diagnosed earlier and started treatment? Would we still be together?  I know these thoughts, as with all of my obsessive thoughts, are useless and do me more harm than good. But these are the kinds of thoughts that creep in right about 2 am, when I’m exhausted but can’t sleep and emotionally spent. I long for the invention of brain reprogramming or erasing memories as in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But I find that, much like in the movie, there are certain memories I don’t want to give up, certain memories that are just meant for me. I wonder if they hold me back or if they actually give me strength to move on.

My ex has moved on. From what I know of his life, he’s happy with the girl he is with now. I’m glad. It hurts like hell but I’m glad he has someone to take care of him. I hope she loves him as much as I did and understands just what she has with him. He and I wouldn’t have worked out as we were. I doubt being medicated or in therapy would have changed that. Too many fundamental differences. I know this in my mind, but my heart is slow to catch up. So until memory erasing becomes a reality, I continue to try to accept my life as it is.

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