Tonight I will start my new SNRI and I am really hoping this medication works out. I had an insurance snafu with the medicine the psychiatrist wanted to put me on, so now delayed starting while new scripts called in, yadda yadda yadda. I suppose I should be grateful I have insurance but sometimes it is such a hassle. The last few days have been odd. I guess it’s more of a mixed episode leaning towards depression as I am feeling tired and not really wanting to do much. My appetite is off too. I’ve been logging my calories the last several days and noticing that I’m not eating very much. I was so pleased with the couple of interviews I’ve done regarding mental health and I am now in a holding pattern, waiting for responses from people. However I fear that I’ll feel overwhelmed once the responses do come in.
As I said, it’s an odd mood, dancing between the poles of depression and mania. Last week found me working on getting the house reorganized now that the holiday decorations are down, building a mental health network among other bloggers and various resources and then feeling a bit on edge at the quiet later in the day. The quiet to me is foreboding. I continue to monitor and track my moods, sleep, medications and triggers. I attempt to keep stress at bay but the feeling that something is bound to explode sits heavy in my heart. This is life with bipolar- uncertainty, unease, a lack of stability.
So I’m taking time tonight to face that quiet, to allow myself to believe in its calmness instead of fearing what it portends.