Comparison and Busyness

For a very long time, too long, really, I have been comparing myself to someone. They pray at the shrine of busyness and, as far as I know, do not suffer from mental illness. They love attention and networking. Why I would compare myself to someone I have so little in common with is beyond me. But the depressed mind brings out all the ugly thoughts, all your flaws both internal and external are highlighted. All the things you haven’t done, haven’t succeeded at and things you fear are thrust in your face, filling your mind with inescapable negativity. I am feeling quite paralyzed  by depression at present.

I’d love to be writing another how to post or showcasing a new DIY. There are plenty of coffees I’ve enjoyed that merit a review, but my mind has little light in it right now. All I can see is the dark. I have friends and family I can reach out to, but even that is difficult, I don’t want to be a burden. Mostly I don’t want to admit to myself how far down I am right now. I don’t want to think about hospitalization or more frequent therapy sessions. Even though I know of plenty of free resources available to me to use via NAMI.org, I can’t make myself go through with it. All I want to do is sleep. People tell me to stop comparing myself to others, to stop dwelling on negative thoughts. But my brain isn’t wired like theirs is. I cannot turn off the thoughts, much as I would like to.

So I again reach out to the people reading, my interwebs family. You all understand what I’m going through so well and I appreciate your encouragement.

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7 thoughts on “Comparison and Busyness

  1. I compare myself to others who don’t have bipolar all the time! I’m not even that down right now, but when I start up with the comparing-itis, it puts me waaaaaay down and it takes a while to come back up for air.

    My heart goes out to you. You are doing such a worthwhile job (and you’ve been through a particularly tough time recently @ work) and to me that’s way more important and admirable than ANY blog DIY post ever!!! I’m serious!

    I really hope you feel better soon, sweet latebloomlisa. I know how hard it is to reach out to your close ones, but I hope you might consider doing it because you are NOT a burden and you deserve and need support right now.

    I know that feeling of wanting to sleep all too well. I relate to everything you post here.

    I’ll have you in my thoughts — I want more of those awesome coffee reviews and I know you’ll do them again when the darkness dissipates, which it will.

    (((hugs))))

    • Thank you so much, Dyane! I’ve been busy most of the day exploring all my options as far as my treatment/hospitalization goes. A little overwhelmed with what to do, but put a phone call in to my psychiatrist. Hopefully I can see him soon and we’ll figure out the next step.

  2. So glad to hear this, Lisa. I’m amazed by you for being proactive despite what you’re going through.
    It’s a big deal to call the pdoc, and you did it!!!
    (((hugs)))
    Dyane

  3. I know what depression feels like. You have written a blog post. Many people are not able to do that. It’s an accomplishment. You are reaching out in your writing. Remember that your local NAMI chapter or county may have a warm line that you can call to speak to someone. I know what it feels like to think yourself a burden, but your family and friends do love you. You could call and talk about something other than your depression just to engage and remember that you are loved. If they ask how you are doing, be honest, but you need not dwell, unless you feel comfortable doing so. Sometimes we do need additional support, like a DBSA or NAMI support group or additional psychotherapy sessions. Right now, many of us suffer from seasonal affective disorder as the days get shorter and the time change makes the late afternoon and evenings so dark. Perhaps you should see your psychiatrist. I often need to change my medication dosage depending on the season. You are loved. You matter. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for writing.

    • Thanks, Kitt. All great suggestions. I left a message with my psychiatrist, hopefully I will be able to see him soon. I called my dad and we talked football for a bit. I think we may need to adjust my mood stabilizer.

      • Yay! Now I can go to sleep happy knowing you are taking good care of yourself and rallying your support. God bless you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for improved mood.

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