Holiday Tradition

Seems like the last few years, I get very depressed at Christmas. Probably because my wonderful ex fiancee decided to break it off right before Christmas years ago. We had one, magical, perfect Christmas together and I’ll remember it forever. I have been thinking about writing about it for some time, but decided it’s too personal a memory, it’s something I need to keep just for myself.

As I often do, I seek solace in music. Of late, I am so completely obsessed with Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. To say I have a massive girl crush on Grace is putting it lightly. Their songs “Things I Never Needed” and “Stars” are especially evocative for me. Every year I get really excited to listen to Christmas music and sing along, but there is no joy in it for me this year. I find the bluesy rock of GPN to be far better suited to my mood.

I am still getting back to normal after the horrible bout of the flu I had but work scheduling issues have me off my regular routine, and I know that’s taking a toll on me, too. I really wish I could explain how damn hard life with bipolar is. There’s really no way to effectively explain it to someone who doesn’t have it. No way to explain that just living an every day life takes so much out of you, let alone adding the stress of the holidays on top of it. I wish I had a happy take-away message, but I really don’t. I guess my Christmas wish is just to get through this pain and sadness.

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5 thoughts on “Holiday Tradition

  1. Hope you feel better soon. Wishing you a Merry Christmas! Maybe you can write down your memories in a special journal and just keep them for yourself? That way you’re getting it out without sharing it publicly. It might help. Sending hugs!

  2. I’m just catching up with your blog and with my other faves after a two-week-long hiatus in which I was quite sick with a cough/cold for most of that time! 😦

    ANYWAY, truer words have seldom been written than what you write here, Lisa:

    “There’s really no way to effectively explain it to someone who doesn’t have it. No way to explain that just living an every day life takes so much out of you”

    YES! No one gets it! That’s why I’ve been finding it very hard to be friends IRL with those who don’t have bipolar. I told one friend I was struggling with fatigue from meds. She’s a mom my age with two young children who have been friendly with mine, and she lives two minutes away from me. Instead of offering to help me in some small way, which is what I would have done, she texted me “good luck!”

    And guess what I said back to her in my mind? “Good bye! Our friendship has run its course.” Sure, I could attempt to educate her, but I don’t have it in me with this particular person – it’s a long story that I won’t bore you with.

    Sorry to vent and not be cheerful, but you’re a kindred spirit. You understand. And I know you’ll appreciate the fact that I’m about to treat myself to one cup of afternoon coffee. (Just one, otherwise I’ll mess up my sleep!) Today it’s Peet’s Major Dickinson’s. It’s not organic, & it’s not Marley (boo!) but it’s yummy! It’ll do!

    Take care and I really hope that you are doing better now that we’re into the New Year – I’m writing this on Jan. 4h. Big hugs to you!!!!! love, Dyane

    • I do understand, it’s very hard to maintain friendships when you have bipolar. I can count on one hand the friends (not family) I can truly depend on. I think it’s just something you adapt to. Glad you spoiled yourself with coffee, we know I’ve been enjoying plenty!

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