I live by a particular set of rules. The rules change as my circumstances change, but the essence of said rules stay the same. Some of the rules are based on my bipolar and fibromyalgia, such as my rule of always getting 9 hours of sleep whenever possible and taking time to sit quietly. Other rules are kind of obvious, such as obeying speed limits and following recipes. But I have behavioral and relational rules, too. There are some people I keep at arm’s length and some situations I avoid, based on rules I place on myself and expectations I have for other people. Some rules are really silly and I find myself ready to break a silly rule now.
The last several weeks have found me juggling new medications, new routines, and adapting to the change. Nowhere on my radar is starting a new romantic relationship. My antidepressant medicines had killed off any sex drive I had, so I can honestly say I haven’t even been looking at guys in anyway other than a fellow human being existing on the planet with me. But I’m feeling a bit lonely, wanting a little company beyond my family and cat. I had a few disastrous dates last summer and removed myself from the dating pool. As far as dating goes, I have rules for that, too. One is to never (again) date a coworker. Another is I never want to date a cop (I have no clue where this one came from) and another is I never want to date another guy who peaked in high school (ex fiancee I’m looking at you). And yet, a few weeks ago, at work no less, I met a guy. We chatted a bit and I couldn’t stop thinking about him afterwards. I’ve seen him quite a few times at work since then, and our conversations get longer and longer. I now find myself looking forward to seeing him. Yes I have a crush on a guy at work, and get this- he’s a cop.
So I find myself in a spot I wasn’t expecting: a weird mix of confidence and shyness, A knowledge that I haven’t lost hope and that even if nothing comes of this, I will be OK, that a relationship or lack thereof does not bear any reflection on me as a person. Things are still a mess for me financially and health wise, but it’s so nice to have something that brings a smile to my face.