Giving and Receiving

Disclaimer: I’m smack dab in the middle of a mixed episode, so this post is probably going to go off the rails here and there. Regardless, I’ll let it go, hoping typing my thoughts out will calm me.

I worked today, which was nothing shy of a miracle. My migraines have been unbearable and I am again looking at my list of possible solutions, figuring out what specialist to call next. So, kudos to me for even making it in to work. The early part of the day was pretty good, I felt halfway decent, was able to complete all my tasks in a timely manner, I even got into the door that hates my ID badge on the first try instead of the 7th try. During lunch, I remembered to fax over documents necessary to receive reimbursement on my therapy visit co-pays. I was feeling really quite OK. Then I went back to work and the day went to hell in a handbasket.

At first I felt hyped up, like I do when I am sliding into hypomania. All I could think about was going home and crocheting. That’s how boring my life is! No, really I am well into a crochet project that is a gift and I wanted to get closer to finishing it. No sooner had I thought about that then I just wanted to hide. The idea of being around people suddenly became too much. I was really chatty and jovial, and then when that feeling hit, I promptly shut up. This lasted maybe a half hour and then I was feeling irritable. The irritable feeling can be traced back to a co-worker, who apparently expected me to help her with something, and when I didn’t, she got very huffy. The help in question was just that, help, not a part of my actual duties and to be honest, I was put off by the fact that me doing her a favor every so often has now become an expected thing. The irritation kept going and later in the day, I saw my co-worker who fixed my mistake last week talking to someone. my face instantly got hot and I was just so, so sure that she was talking about me. I couldn’t hear her, I don’t know what she was talking about, but my mind instantly flashes the message “people don’t like you, She’s talking shit about you and your mistakes”.My heart rate actually picked up and I had to remind myself that not everyone is out to get me.Finally, I slid back into that wanting to hide feeling. I’m still there now. I had to run an errand on my way home from the hospital and all I could think of the whole time was how much I wanted to go home, I did not want to be there, I did not want to speak with people. I just wanted to be home, in my favorite thrift store hoodie, curled up on the couch with a cup of coffee.

Today was a day I really “felt” bipolar. Most days I am just depressed and fighting through physical and emotional difficulty, but today was truly a bipolar day. I hate the way my mind works, I hate going into a panic or bad mood because of something someone said, or something I think someone said. Fortunately, using some of the skills I am learning in cognitive therapy helped. I talked to my mom for a while about my feelings and I’m back to feeling a little less on edge. I still want to cocoon, but at least the nasty message machine in my head has quieted a bit.

I’m also grateful to Kitt O’Malley, who messaged me some kind words of understanding and listened to me whine a little bit. I am at a point where I am realizing just how much my illnesses are impacting my life. My pride in being “high functioning” and appearing to most people as “normal” is taking its toll. I’m stuck in a place of not wanting to admit how sick I am. I don’t want to go from giving care to receiving care, but isn’t taking care of yourself a kind of love? Why am I so reluctant to love myself?

It’s been a tiring day, my crochet project sits untouched, but I’m giving myself a pat on the back for being able to use the cognitive therapy skills successfully today, though I sure do need to work on them.

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